Posted on 12/13/2021
Helping your child improve emotional intelligence is a major way you can help determine his or her success and satisfaction in life, both now and in the future. There is definitely an overlap between EQ and executive function skills, but these skills can be taught! As parents, we need to be intentional about modeling them, though. This starts with helping our kids develop a vocabulary they can use to name their emotions and learn to express them in appropriate ways. We can also talk to them about empathy as well as coping and problem-solving skills, but these kinds of life skills are more effectively taught in the context of daily life.
Developing a Higher EQ, Step 6: Offer Positive Coping Strategies
If you're like most parents, you've tried to get your child to express emotions in an acceptable way by instructing them in the heat of the moment when emotions are high. How did that go? Probably not well. It's helpful to give instruction and practice new skills in times of non-conflict, before expecting them to be applied in a stressful situation. (After all, let's face it: we all struggle to respond well in the midst of a surprising or especially difficult situation, even once we have coping skills in place as adults!)
Let's say that your child struggles with response inhibition when he or she is angry; whether this problem manifests in self-injury, property damage, or simply a temper tantrum, the need is for a replacement coping skill. Perhaps taking time to take deep breaths or using a fidget toy or doing jumping jacks can help give a physical outlet. Having tools handy, such as a calm down bottle to look at and shake or bubbles to blow can also be helpful; but you don't want your child to become too dependent on something that isn't always available. For older children, this may include drawing pictures, journaling, playing music, or another type of artistic self-expression. A positive coping strategy can also include reminding himself that he or she can come to you for a hug or tell you later about their frustration and receive empathy.
Developing a Higher EQ, Step 7: Moving Past Coping to Solving Problems
Once potentially problematic responses have been curbed through development of appropriate coping strategies, the next step is to develop problem-solving skills. Perhaps your child is frustrated that she cannot go outside to play as she had hoped. After expressing her frustration or disappointment, she could think of some alterative ways to enjoy the morning. You could work together to figure out the best choice, and then do that together, instead.
If your child fails to productively problem solve, you can talk them through what would have been a better solution and then work together to resolve any remaining problems. You don't want to be the "fixer" here but to help coach your child through solving his or her own problems. Eventually, through modeling and coaching your child through these kinds of skills, your child will be able to solve his or her problems without your help; but until he has the skills to do so, you can continue to provide help and guidance.
Continue reading with Part 6.
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