Posted on 11/07/2016
Just like “Authentic” comes before “Reframing,” it may be significant that in the acronym “PARENT,” “Empathy” comes before “No Ultimatums.” Holding the title of “Happiest People on the Planet” for over 3 decades, Danish parents claim that these characteristics help explain what makes them and their kids happier than the rest of us. The phrase “No Ultimatums” might run contrary to the authoritarian leadership and parenting styles that we’ve historically seen, but hey, who can argue with happiness?
Mutual Respect
This is, perhaps, the main dividing line between “Authoritative” and “Authoritarian” parenting styles. In fact, it also marks a distinction between “Authoritative” and “Permissive” styles. Unlike permissive parents, authoritative parents do have rules and expectations, accompanied by appropriate rewards and consequences. Unlike authoritarian parents, though, authoritative parents show respect to their kids, as well. The structure isn’t quite side-by-side, but it’s not terribly top-down, either. These parents model the Golden Rule, treating their kids as they would like to be treated, themselves, as kids. Neither harsh nor lackadaisical, these parents offer leadership without demeaning their kids. As such, they’re more likely than those embracing either of the extreme styles to actually have their kids follow their lead.
Two-way Communication
Stemming from the kind of mutual respect described above, this kind of communication goes both ways. If kids balk at a directive, they may still be expected to comply, but they are allowed to voice their perspectives. Parents are active listeners, rephrasing their child’s words to accomplish two important aims: to make sure they understand their child’s perspective and to communicate the fact that they are listening and that they care. Instead of a simple “no,” these emotionally intelligent parents use phrases like “I wish it would work for us to go to that movie” to preface their explanation of why it just won’t work. By showing regret and empathy, they are more likely to promote compliance and empathy in their child than rebellion and frustration.
A Problem-Solving Approach
Instead of a winner/loser scenario, authoritative parents aim to solve problems without a power struggle. Sometimes a reasonable compromise can be reached, allowing both parent and child to be able to achieve their aims. Other times, parents may need to explain the problem with the child’s preference, in order to help the child understand. When this kind of culture permeates a family, children are more likely to comply in those instances when explanations can’t be given, and a compromise can’t be reached. In this way, the “choose your battles” idea comes into play, and parents aren’t insisting on their own way in areas that really aren’t important, after all.
If you’re thinking that phrases like “No Ultimatums,” “Empathy,” “Authenticity,” and “Reframing” are actually important parts of all healthy relationships and mindsets, you’re right! While the parent-child relationship certainly has some unique aspects, it is one type of relationship. Amid healthy relationships, all of us thrive and increase our likelihood of what’s arguably one of our chief goals: being happy.
Read the Series
• One Danish Secret to Happier Kids: Reframing
• A Key Danish Secret to Happier Kids: No Ultimatums
• Another Danish Secret to Happier Kids: Authenticity
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