Posted on 11/27/2017
When it comes to fostering happiness, even more important than looking in the mirror is the process of self-reflection. There is a similarity, though: It's pointless to look into the mirror if you're not going to do anything about what you see. While the process starts with a sense of self-awareness and introspection (see Part 1), if it ends there, it will likely contribute to a negative self-image, frustration, or even the beginnings of depression. In order for self-reflection to benefit us, we need to guide our kids in taking it to the next level.
Asking Revealing Questions
As a parent, perhaps you find yourself going into rapid-fire mode when you notice problematic behavior in your child. That's not exactly what we're talking about here. Questions that come across as attacks aren't really helpful. When we're already in the habit of fostering our own self-reflection though, we'll be in a better place to help guide our kids when it comes to their own journeys. Here are some key questions we can all ask ourselves about our choices:
• How did your choice reflect on your reputation or contribute toward your overall goals?
• Did that decision or action lead to something you desired?
• Would someone you admire have chosen to respond differently?
• Did the results of your choice cause any problems for you or others?
• What circumstances increase your likelihood to make choices consistent with your guiding principles?
• How did that choice limit you from or free you to pursue your priorities?
Listening Without Judgment
We can't evaluate or influence something we don't know about. Sometimes as parents, we need to be sounding boards for our children's developing self-reflective process, without inserting our own opinions, priorities, or desires. This. Is. Hard. In the end, perhaps they will make a decision that conflicts with our own, and we feel obligated to restrict them from following through with their choice. Even when that's the case (or we suspect it might be), allowing them to talk through their thought process has its benefits, not only in helping them develop the skill of introspection but also in giving us as parents insights into their goals and thinking processes.
Fostering Future Success
As you help your kids learn to determine their own goals and priorities and then evaluate their own choices and behaviors in a thoughtful way, you're helping them set the stage for their future happiness. Maybe the things they think will bring happiness are things you know from experience simply won't. That's where your story or the stories of others can be wielded for their benefit. But don't lose sight of this: The point is their own happiness, and you're trying to help them to achieve that goal. You really are on the same team. As your kids grasp that concept, they'll be more likely to allow you access to their thoughts and decision-making process, and that access will allow your influence to extend beyond their teen years.
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