Posted on 07/10/2016
While Valentine’s Day is historically a day for lovers to display their feelings, it’s also become a holiday for children. From exchanging valentines with peers to receiving special cards or gifts from parents and other relatives, some kids undoubtedly get their “love cups” filled this time of year.
But here’s the all-important question: Do those kinds of gestures communicate love to your child? To use the terms of Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the “Five Love Languages” series of books, those kids whose primary “love languages” are Words of Affirmation or Receiving Gifts are likely big fans of February 14. But what about the rest?
What does your child ask for?
Okay, what kid doesn’t ask for more (or more expensive) stuff that they don’t need? But this isn’t about encouraging materialism or fostering entitlement. This question could be re-worded as follows: What kinds of gestures of love does your child request, frequently? If you don’t speak the same love language, or feel loved in the same ways, you might not even think of your child’s requests as being pleas for love.
In addition to the first two mentioned above, the three basic love languages are these:
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
If Acts of Service don’t fill your tank, you may perceive your child’s requests for displays of affection as laziness. In our society of busy, any task that doesn’t offer visible or tangible results can feel like a waste of time. But is spending one-on-one quality time enjoying and playing with our kids a waste of time? It never is, but it’s especially significant for those kids for whom Quality Time provides the most direct means of communicating love.
What does your child get excited about?
Perhaps you labored for hours to create just the right birthday cake or party, only to have your son appear ungrateful. But later when you helped him put the finishing touches on his science project or clean up his room and re-organize his toys, he wrapped his arms around you and said, ”Thanks, Mom! You’re the best!” That’s your Acts of Service kid. On the other hand, maybe your helpful gestures often go unnoticed, but when you take the time to slip a little note into your daughter’s lunch box, she comes home from school beaming. You think Words of Affirmation might be the key to her heart?
What does your child remember?
I love to hear my kids reminisce about special events or even everyday activities; they rarely remember them exactly as I do. Each of us has our own perspective, filtered through the lens of our own personalities. If your daughter reminds you about how nice it felt when you cradled her in your arms and wiped her forehead with a wet cloth when she was sick, or your son raves about the tickle wars or wrestling matches you used to have, the Physical Touch is probably a big way they feel loved.